Unfortunately like my bag of Caramilk Secrets, all good things must come to an end. Behold, readers young and old, the incestuous concoction they are serving today known as Chicken and Waffle.

Satan Spawns Attacking Waffles

This, my dear friends, is the path of darkness.

Allow me to spell this out for you:

Fact 1: Waffles are a breakfast food.
Fact 2: Fried Chicken is a dinner food.
Fact 3: The Original Geneva Convention clearly specifies that the two types must maintain clear separation and any such violation is a crime against humanity.

It is my sincerest hope that the Sweetery will repent for this abomination of the food world before the darkness consumes them completely. Vancouver follows many trends, but it doesn’t need to follow all of them. It is our duty as citizens of this planet to fight these enemies. If you see a Chicken and Waffle, don’t think, just attack.

Until tomorrow, I may be so fortunate as to get a break from Subway and return to my beloved Sweetery. Seriously, this place is amazing — their brownies are to die for.

Stay safe, stay alive.

~ Curtis

I know that most of you are good, moral people.

But it has recently come to my attention that there are people out there, people who are weighing us down as a society.

Vampire people.

It is an anecdotal historically known fact that immoral people are vampires in disguise. Vampires of the night.

In Imperialist China, a Hebrew saying was recited every full moon:

Fulcrum Vampire Exultation Telusmobility

Now we have the true origins of vampires simplified before our eyes.

Here’s how you can avoid Vampires of the Night:

• How to identify a vampire: Identifying factors not known yet
• How to kill a vampire: Unknown; experts are still trying to determine whether they can die, and whether they are alive
• How to keep safe: …

I hope you find this information useful.

Until next time,

Stay safe, stay alive,

Toad

This is not the lobby. This is the suite.

The Burj Al Arab is the spitting image of excess, greed, and luxury. The Royal Suite has a grand staircase (pictured above) which leads to a set of bedrooms and washrooms. If you are a white overprivileged douchebag who has inherited a monstrous trust fund, you have the option of taking a helicoptor to the top of this fantastic hotel. Like Tiger Woods has done before, you may also consider having the heli-pad converted to play some sky high golf.

So how much will it cost me?

A four day stay at the Burj Al Arab will cost you around $110,000.00. Have fun stacking those shelves at Wal-Mart!

Which country is going to prosecute me if I murder someone in sub-orbit?

If you want to take your significant other on a vacation that is out of this world, now is your chance! Get onto one of these fantastic planes built by the forward thinking company Virgin Galactic, and you will get a fantastic 6 minutes of weightlessness. During this period, you will be allowed to leave your seatbelts, wreak havoc, and possibly murder someone just to see which court will try and prosecute you. I’d like to take this time to mention that your 6 minutes of weightlessness is accompanied by a 3.5 hour flight, in which you do nothing but sit down in your seatbelt and pretend you’re having fun.

So how much will it cost me?

This beautiful, out-of-this-world experience will only cost you $200,000.00! That’s only $952.38 per minute! That’s only like, 17.5 years of rent!

I hereby proclaim this country to be named. . . . ROFLCOPTERLAND of DOOM!!!!

As a child, I dreamed of being overlord of a massive kingdom and to command mighty armies. Now, you can fulfill half of that demand by renting the entire freaking country of Liechtenstein. The country features a beautiful landscape, rich with green forests, castles and fortresses. With a little extra cash, you have the ability to do anything from carving logos into the mountain snow and creating your own temporary currency.

You totally know you would.

So how much will it cost me?

For a short week of being a fake ruler, you can rent Liechtenstein for as low as $500,000. For any kind of addons or special features like renaming streets, adding banners, holding ceremonies, or creating currencies, you can expect that price to easily double.